What are my Kinks? How to Learn and Explore the Kinky Side of Sex

Have you read 50 shades of grey? Do you own a vibrator? Then you probably know what a kink is. I’m here to talk about everything kink vs. fetish. If you are interested in exploring the world of kinks or defining your sexual interests, you must get the jargon. After...

Kinks are becoming more and more talked about, yet if you’re someone who is still exploring their sexuality, it’s difficult to know where to start. If you’ve ever wondered ‘What are my kinks?’, this blog is for you. 

 A kink is defined as an unconventional sexual practice or a concept, with BDSM being the most popular fantasy among both men and women. [1]

 So, here’s how to discover your kink:

 1. Decide whether you’re submissive or dominant, or both

 The easiest way to start your sexual exploration journey is to start from the beginning. Namely, figure out whether you like being controlled or being in control. While a lot of people are attracted to both scenarios, most of us lean towards one or the other a bit more. 

 You can find plenty of BDSM tests online which can tell you how dominant/submissive you are, among other things. To be sure the test got it right, try to experiment on your own or with your partner as much as possible. 

 Since women are often portrayed as submissive, you might not realize you prefer being dominant until you’ve tried to switch things around. Once you’ve known for sure, you can build upon it. There are a lot of role plays you can have a play with that can help you decide if there’s any particular dynamic you’re into. For example, if you prefer being submissive, you might be attracted to the daddy/little girl role play or master/slave scenario. You might want to explore sadism and domme play if you’re dominant. 

2. Try ‘What’s my kink?’ quizzes

These usually aren’t very versatile and often include ‘Have you ever?’ questions but can be a great start to help you find out what your kinks are. If you’re in a relationship, encourage your partner to test himself too and compare your answers. If your potential kinks match, you can agree on exploring some of them in more depth. Even realizing that you’re not into some kinks as much as expected is a step closer to discovering what you enjoy in bed. 

3. Talk to the kink/fetish community

 If you don’t have a kink, it’s no surprise you’ve never been a part of a kink community. However, the best way to discover what kinks are out there is to learn from people with plenty of experience in that area. Learning tools such as porn or podcasts can push you in the right direction, but they rarely reflect reality. 

So, the best way to start your sexual exploration is to join a forum or a group where you can connect with other sexually open-minded people. Discover what desires they have and in what way a particular kink makes them feel empowered or vulnerable, and why they enjoy it. 

For example, some people might like being ordered around because they’re always in charge in their ‘vanilla’ life and find giving up control relaxing. You can also lurk on social media and look for accounts of people who have Only Fans. In most cases, their popularity comes from a specific kink-inspired style. Choosing outfits you like might be a good first step to getting inspired. 

4. Pay attention to what turns you on in movies

 Now, you don’t necessarily have to watch erotic movies for inspiration as very few are kinky anyway, but it’s always possible to derive inspiration from the characters’ relationship itself. Pay attention to what excites you about the storyline: do you prefer when characters show each other affection, or do you get more turned on by the idea of sneaking out to see your partner? If it’s the former, you might want to explore tantric sex that focuses on building emotional intimacy with your partner. If it’s the latter, you might want to explore risky sex that can give you an adrenaline rush, focusing more on sexual intimacy. 

5. Watch porn

Nearly everyone watches porn, so it’s no surprise it caters to everyone’s needs; you can find all kinds of videos online. Have a look at the most popular tags and check out the one that interests you the most. Even though you might not understand what’s going on, some scenarios might still turn you on and be worth exploring. 

Just remember that porn isn’t a tutorial on how to engage in those sex acts in real life, so take it with a grain of salt and use it as a stepping stone. And always try to watch ethical porn over mass-produced, unrealistic depictions of sex and love. There’s a big difference. 

6. Do something different every time you have sex with your partner

The most important step is to have a conversation with your partner because chances are he has some fantasies he has wanted to explore. You can agree on taking one step at a time and trying something new every time you have sex – this could be simply changing the dynamic between you two, introducing a new sex toy, or a new sex position. 

Don’t feel pressured to like something just because you think you should or because it’s popular, and similarly, don’t be ashamed if you find some ideas exciting while your partner doesn’t. If you aren’t on the adventurous side, it’s also a good idea to start with dirty talk, which is a bit of a safer way to explore your potential fantasies. Tell your partner what you’d like to do to him and have him do the same, then pay attention to how it makes you feel. 

7. Fantasize

Instead of asking yourself, ‘What are my kinks?’ the right question to ask is, ‘What are my fantasies?’ first. To start exploring your fantasies, don’t move straight onto masturbation when you’re feeling horny; warm yourself up with a bit of daydreaming first. Get yourself comfortable and try to fantasize about different scenarios. 

 Imagine that you’re about to see a handsome stranger and go from there. If you’re stuck, you can always have a go at reading an erotic novel and see which scenarios appeal to you. Remember not to judge yourself; just because you’re turned on by certain scenarios, it doesn’t mean you’d want them to happen to you in real life. The great thing about kinks is that they can help you explore your fantasies in a controlled setting, and if something isn’t working, you can opt out at any time. 

8. Think about your past sexual experiences

Group your sexual encounters into bad and good ones and consider what made some better than others. Was it simply your partner’s skills or maybe the circumstances? This should give you an idea of what your ideal scenario would be and help you identify some elements that can indicate what your kink is. For example, if you enjoyed sex following an argument because it made it more intense, it might be a sign you should explore the dominant/submissive dynamic. 

9. Lastly, don’t pressure yourself

 Not everyone has an unconventional sexual preference, and kinks and fetishes can be very subjective. What’s just a simple like in bed can be a kink to someone else and vice versa. Many kinks might be scenarios you’ve never fantasized about, so don’t be afraid to keep trying new things and keeping an open mind. Sexual exploration is a journey – don’t rush it. 

Sex Toy Review: Penelope Rose Vibrator.

I've been in the market for a new sex toy for a bit, and when I saw the rose vibrator, I stopped dead in my tracks. I had seen air vibrators before, but this one was a dual vibrator. It had one side for air pulsing fun and the other side for G spot tickling. And to...

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10 Female Sexual Fantasies that Are More Common than You Think.

While we might all pretend that all we desire or need is vanilla sex, deep down, we know that’s just not true. 

We all have our sexual fantasies that really turn us on, but we’re not sure if others would judge us if they knew about them. And no sexual desire should be embarrassing – it’s what gets you going, after all! 

And if you’re sitting there thinking that you’re the only one with girl-on-girl or sex with a stranger fantasies, I have news for you, my friend. What most of us think are obscure fantasies are actually pretty common, and to make you feel better about your desires, here’s a list of the most common female sexual fantasies:

Sex with a Stranger

You know that rush you get when you first lock lips with a new person? Well, this is the reason that women fantasize about frolicking with a stranger; it’s so thrilling! Some women also feel that they can only properly relax and let themselves go with a stranger; no prior expectations, no judgment, etc. 

How to make it happen: 

If you’ve been lusting after sex with a stranger, why not do it? Of course, use your common sense and don’t just hook up with any dude on the street. Go to a bar with your girlfriends and get chatting with some other people. Don’t ask for their life story, just the basics. And after a little flirtation, the other person is sure to understand what you want. 

Another way to have sex with a stranger is in a swinger’s club or sex club. These places are great for meeting people who are in the same mood as you: DTF! In these clubs, there is often a separate space for sexual activity, and when you’re in there, pretty much anything goes (with sexual consent, of course!). What’s great is that swinger’s clubs are not just for couples; they attract a lot of single men and women too. So you’re bound to find a stranger to get frisky with.

Group Sex 

Having sex with more than one person at once is one of the most common female sexual fantasies, whether it be a threesome, a foursome, or an orgy. 

We just love the idea of being naked, surrounded by other naked people, and being pleasured from all directions. Why have sex with one person when more people can touch you everywhere?

How to make it happen:

Group sex is often an organized affair because you have to gather a load of like-minded people in the same room. And how do you do that? Online hookup sites should be your first port of call. These are the sites where everyone is horny and looking for some action, and some sites even have an option to post a status, so you can post that you’re looking to organize a group sex session. 

Alternatively, a swinger’s club or sex club is your next best bet; it’s basically like an instant orgy in some of these places, depending on which one you go.

Dominating a Man

With the stereotype being that men dominate women in the bedroom, it’s no wonder that we ladies fantasize about dominating our men. Some things that women have admitted to lusting after are: 

• Tying their partner up

• Spanking or hitting him with a crop

• Making him be a slave for the day

• Humiliating him 

How to make it happen: If you are coupled up, talk to your partner about your fantasy to see if he’d be up for it. You never know what he’ll say until you ask … then get your whip at the ready.

Exhibitionism

Exhibitionism is a big turn-on for a lot of people. It’s probably because they like the idea that other people are getting sexual gratification from watching them engage in sexual acts. So there’s a power play in motion here. If this is your fantasy, there are a few ways to do it to varying degrees.

How to make it happen: 

Starting from the easiest, you can add a little exhibitionism to your sexy play just by leaving the blinds or curtains open, especially if you have neighboring buildings nearby your apartment. A little more intense would be inviting a third into the action to watch you have sex. 

And then probably the most extreme would be going to a sex club and having sex with your partner in one of the public rooms. However you do it, it’ll be exciting!

Voyeurism

This one is like the ying to the yang of exhibitionism. Voyeurists love to watch people have sex. It’s kind of like live porn, if you will. If this is your fantasy, well, you are not alone!

How to make it happen: 

Create a profile on a hookup website and find some exhibitionists who love to be watched. Exhibitionists and voyeurists go together like ketchup on French fries.

Being Forced into Sex or Raped

As taboo as this might sound, being forced violently into having sex is a very common sexual fantasy. A recent study found that between 31% and 57% of women fantasize about being forced into sex. But that doesn’t mean that they want to be raped. 

Although we fantasize about it, it’s not as if we fantasize about exactly the same thing that rape is. Normally women report that in their fantasy, they resist a little bit before succumbing to their captor; the sex is often passionate because the rapist just can’t get enough of them.

In reality, there is nothing romantic or passionate about rape; it’s an attack and a violation. The idea of rape becoming a sexual fantasy probably also comes from the desire to be dominated by a man.

How to make it happen: 

No boyfriend, husband, or partner has the right to just have their way with you whenever they want. So to make this practice safe, choose a day in which you feel DTF. Ask your partner to initiate sex with a firm hand (but not too firm) any time throughout the day so you can experience being dominated while you’re in the right frame of mind. Feel free to role play a little bit if you want. 

The Sex Worker Fantasy

Sex work is gaining more and more attention, and some of us are craving to experience what it’s like to be a sex worker and have someone pay us for sex. If you don’t want to go down this career path, it’s easy to act out in real life. 

How to make it happen: 

 Tell your partner your fantasy, then once you’ve had sex, make him pay you some money afterward. You could even ask for a deposit beforehand too! What you charge is your choice…

Being 50-Shaded

 We’ve all seen the movies and Googled BDSM. And since seeing that red room, we can’t stop fantasizing about what it would be like to be at the mercy of Christian Grey. Well, girl, this one is also an easy one to explore.

How to make it happen: 

 There are plenty of BDSM sex accessories out there, such as whips, crops, floggers, bondage gear, gags, nipple clamps, you name it! Get yourself some basic BDSM gear and get experimenting in the bedroom with your partner taking the dominant role. 

 If you’re feeling really adventurous, you could even rent out a legit BDSM dungeon space. You’ll be surprised how many there actually are these days!

Being Deflowered

 Whether you call it your flower or your virginity, losing it is definitely one of our main sexual fantasies. When you lost your virginity, you’re normally young, having sex with a dude who is just as clueless as you are, and then you can’t even remember it years later. Perhaps this is why we ladies crave to experience what it feels like to lose your virginity again.

How to make it happen: 

 This is a great role play idea. Talk to your partner about it and ask if they’re willing to try it out. If they say yes, get yourself some pure white lingerie and act out your inner virgin.

Girl on Girl

Come on; you’ve thought about it once, right? This is, without a doubt, the most popular sexual fantasy among women. According to Pornhub, in 2019, lesbian porn was the most popular category among female viewers, so there might be a link between the fantasy and the porn here. Just me?

How to make it happen:

 Making your girl-on-girl fantasy come true could be as easy as finding a flexible friend who also wants to experiment. Or you register to a hookup site to find someone. If you prefer to get to know someone in person, try going to a gay bar to find open women also looking to experiment. Of course, there are also sex clubs where they often have bisexual nights, particularly for women. 

 The Climax

You might think that your sexual fantasy is weird AF. But trust me when I say it most definitely is not. I should also point out that just because something turns you on when you’re horny, it doesn’t indicate anything of your true day-to-day identity. Just because you fantasize about girl-on-girl doesn’t necessarily mean you are bisexual or a lesbian (I mean, it might, but also it might not). And just because reading hardcore erotica, where an innocent virgin gets put in extreme bondage and her nipples tortured, turns you on, it doesn’t mean that you have to do it in real life. 

Fantasize what you want to fantasize about. And act out what you want. As long as it’s all legal and everyone is safe, who cares?!